10 of the best lies – for every ocassion

1. All mothers love their children. Mm, just look around you at all the inadequate wrecks you know. Include the over-achievers, the womanisers, the axe murderers. No, mothers do not all love their children.

2. Mothers love all their children equally. Perhaps you were told this – you’re all different so I love you differently. No – I love some of you more than others, but I’ll never admit it – because that would be psychologically scarring. So, I’ll keep it as a big secret and you can all take bets until i die. (Although any close examination on any day will give it away.)

3. It’s what you’re like on the inside that counts. Told to plain children – especially girls who are encouraged to be good, strive hard and make up for never being pretty enough. It never works – you’re never pretty enough. Ever.

4. Goodness is its own reward. A bit like 3 – told to those who will never be rich or beautiful but are nice enough people. It’s a sop made to stop you feeling resentful and angry all your life and to keep you doing the right thing despite it all.

5. Being rich doesn’t make you happy. Oh but it helps ease everything else. The rich are healthier, they live longer, they eat nicer food – they may have moments of misery but actually, it is easier to be rich than poor on any continent on any day. Why do so many of us play lotto??

6. Being thin is better. Is it? Kate Moss would rather be thin than eat. And Wallis Simpson could never be too thin or too rich (see above too). For anyone else that’s anorexia. Look at Princess Bulimia-Di. For all the girls who think they’ll never have sex or get married or be happy forget it – being thin is over-rated. Men like tits – they like hips and they do not like stick insects. Forget the media – but being a pig is not the answer either. Enjoy your food, just exercise more, and hang out with someone 2 sizes bigger than you.

7. I’ll call you. No you won’t and i don’t care and neither should any of us these days. Shag indiscriminately if you want, but don’t look for love after one night and if love is what you’re after then have coffee for a while, go to the movies – just don’t have sex until he’s already called you a few times and you really want him to call you too.

8. God is listening. No. No. No. Look, he just isn’t there. He is made up. He is a fairy story. Believe if you want but don’t try to make anyone else listen to this crap. If there was a God the world simply would be a much nicer, smarter and infinitely kinder place to live in – for all of us, no matter colour, religion, ethnicity or anything.

9. I love you. Will you sleep with me, will you cook for me, will you have my babies, look after me when I’m sacked, when my hair falls out, when i fart in bed and can’t remember your name? Well, will you? Then okay – I love you. Mmmm….

10. Things are always better in the morning. I bet someone said that the night the Titanic hit the ice-berg, when Katrina hit New Orleans, after the Great Fire of London. It’s a nice little homily from Gran isn’t it – have a cup a tea, a nice sleep and in the new clear light of day everything will be better. No. It won’t. You’ll be able to see the wreckage of your ship, your home, your life so much clearer, but it won’t make things better. That’s what Time is for. Unless you’re the Doctor of course. Bye-Bye David Tennant – love ya.

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